I'm always worried about screwing things up or things going wrong. I
think I am seeing that she was right, we need to take things slower. :)

Windowpanes.

Lately, I've been in deep thought.  I don't know but it seems like everyday I'm having these
in depth thoughts.  I feel in a way...lost.  The sad part is, I don't know what I'm searching for.
I've got this small bolt loose in the mechanics of my head.  I know it's there somewhere, but I can't find it.
and the last thing I need is any magnets invading my brain to search for it.  I feel out of place sometimes. 
Like a loneliness when I'm surrounded by people I love & people who love me.  I love my girlfriend, and I'm happy that shes in my life.  I think what really gets me down is that I only have one life.  One life to try and
help people, to try and bring people together, and to learn from others.  Its a bit of a burden sometimes... knowing that you only have one life to be able to live and teach before your day comes along and you pass away, into the pages of Life's chronicles.

I wonder how many people I can help and teach before I pass away.
I just want to be someone people can say made an influence on them, a good influence.

Sometimes I get worried about me and my girlfriend... I feel scared
sometimes.. Scared of things going wrong.. Idk.. I'm scared...idk
why.. Life scares me..

"and I smile as I respire"

"It's not fair, just let me perfect it
Don't want to live a life that was comprehensive,"

 I grow to love the lyrics and the melody more and more everyday.  It's like a re-birth without the "birth".  It's like a retox without the "tox" but more of a "new".  I'm new in a lot of ways, and I'm also the same in others, change in a good way not bad.  I'm feeling more and more like I'm growing mentally, musically, and emotionally.  It's different when things really kick into gear for you and you don't expect to grow as fast..but trust me, it happens fast.  And I sit here and reminisce on the earlier me(s) and I have to say, I like the most updated version much more than the previous one.  There were a lot of bug fixes as you can say...

 

 

"Oh, their faces are dancing, they're dancing"

"I just want to be better than, your head's only medicine.
A downward spiral, just a pirouette.
Getting worse until there's nothing left
What good comes of something, when I'm just the ghost of 
nothing?"

Sometimes I don't know what to do when I want to make people happy, and I just cant.
Im so scared of so many things going wrong, and its hard because I dont know where to go sometimes...
I dont know how to cry, because I dont have tears... 
I dont know how to be vent it any other way than just writing it all out...
Sometimes its the only way I can stay sane...

"a composer but never composed, singing the symphonies of the overdosed... a composer but never composed..."

I just want to be better than what I am...

"I'm Sleeping In A Submarine"

I feel like a stranger in a town so far away from where I'm used to being.
Like a winter storm to the face, numb in all the wrong spots, minus a few 
special beats.  There there child, put the book down and feel safe,
this isn't a time of war, this is a war of time.  We're washing away, like the 
messages in net bottles traveling across the sea.  All hands on deck,
all hands on deck, lets make a smooth escape.

I am in study of my head. Like clinking tin professors and rusty pages
in wholesome books, for the reader of the devout, but not religious.

I just had a bit of an OCD attack. mom made me wipe the cats paws off with a wet wash cloth, bcus he had bleach on them. I spent alteast 10 minutes scrubbing my hands and trying to feel like I cld actually touch something w/o still having anything on them. Between that and me currently being in a psychadelic/ over relaxed state of mind from my music, it made it worse.

Whe ppl say "how much is that doggie in the window?" they don't take
in account tht it will run you thousands in new carpet + poop.

My girlfriend called me ''grandpa'' last night when i said ''goodnight babe'' either im missing a joke or someone was drinking.lmfao

I have officially decided to celebrate GENTLEMEN holiday as Anon does. Lol its an epic holiday

I change my mind, after I read the lyrics to FOB's "From Now On We Are Enemies" I actually like it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, in Soviet Russia, Poem write you.

When the Sun Goes Down.

I'm honestly in the state where I'd rather starve myself than go downstairs and be around that man who calls himself my stepfather, literally, I am starving right now.  I'm fed the fuck up with being around him, I'm tired of them both sleeping downstairs, this is why I don't want want to be at home.  I can't feel like I can walk my own house.  I'm tired of being here, and I have no way out of my house right now.  I'm so done.

People say they don't understand the hype behind having a Black
president, but honestly, it is a perfect example of the change through
the generations of how we look at one another. We have progressed, we
have evolved, we have rose up against the differences but acknowledged
them at the same time. For years our presidents have been Caucasian,
and with having an African American president, it has truly
demonstrated that we, for the most part, have opened our eyes to see
that there is no such thing as a negative difference, but that there
is a greater understanding that we may be different, but we are all
humans, most of all, we are all people.

Saying your girlfriend's best friend is kinda slutty isnt a good thing. Even if its 'kinda'.

Sugarcane In Easy Morning...

"Hey Moon, please forget to fall down."

I've been depressed all day today. I feel miserable, like a doll
without a good stitching. I've felt just like mopeing around and
sulking my way into the sheets of my bed. Just to stomach the feeling.

"I missed your skin when you went East."

I'm just tired of being away from you. I can't bring myself to feel an
ambien with the (bi)cycle of atleast 1 week near you.

I miss you..

Im still getting Alex The Fall Out Boy tatted. :)

Letter to myself

Letter To Myself.

Dear Alex,

I know that you are suffering through these episodes of your
obsessions where you feel as if you are unsure of something. But in
all honesty, you dot need to feel that way about the music. People
listen to all sorts of different artists and they have multiple
favorite. Even if you grow to like some other band more than Fall Out
Boy, they will always be great. They will always have made an impact
on your life and they will always be in your heart. No matter if you
don't want them to be, they will always be.

Sincerely,

You.

My plans for tomarrow got cancelled. Another long week. Another Friday. Another Lorezapam endused sleep, cause I can't do it on my own.

Plans for tomarrow kind of went South of what I was hoping for, but things happen that can make situations easier or harder. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I understand. I had to cancel a few times. It's been about a total of 3-4 weeks since I've been able to hang out really. Bummer. Another long week. Another long weekend. More school in between.

Its a good thing i dont smoke, bcus i swear between energy drinks, i almost am running myself broke, imagine what cigarettes would run me.

My FOBsession isnt back & wont come back. I think being obsessed was
unhealthy for me. Theyre a band & Im a fan, I dont need 2 b obsessed 2
b a fan. Does that make sense?

"You've Changed Things..."

"you've changed things... there's no going back..."


I often question my own sanity.  Recently, I've taken a toll on my own mind.  I've finally just felt like I needed to take down my title; everything that people saw me as... and decided I needed a change, but with this turn... I can't say that it helped everything.  My emotions are running ragged and distant from what I used to have.  I am happier in some ways and in others, I'm flat out depressed.  When you make something so high in your mind then, just the next day, strip it down to 3 lower levels; its almost like taking the wrecking-ball to a brand new home because you wanted to take out one story of it.  It just seems that about everything that has been branded me, not in the way you brand a piece of art; leaving your mark of success & passion that you needed to make it, no, this is the brand that you see on skin.  Like a hot coal burning the flesh as you push it further in.  That's the type of brand.  And I face you now, emotionless, gridlocked and to be echt; buried in the slough of despondence.

I feel for some reason shes mad at me or tired of me....:C

A trip down a broken memory lane.  Where from here there is no turning back.

Slick trails

_¥.

Fast>>Forward>>

Shift gears with a hand on the steering wheel while the other is busy holding that open chest,
and a few more drops of Codeine like a melancholy prescription paste just to rinse and reset.  I only want my own bedroom tonight.

"Stop there and let me correct it, I wanna live a life from a new perspective"

Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up on getting out of here


I've come to realize tonight that you know, I don't need to have a title of such weight on my back.  I don't need to be Alex The Fall Out Boy to prove that I am a diehard fan of Fall Out Boy; I don't need to be crazy obsessed with them to love them, and I don't need to have excessive amounts of posters.  I can just like them for what they've given me and always respect them for who they are and what they've done for me. 

So tonight is a big step for me... I feel somewhat disappointed that I'm throwing my title off my shoulders, but I don't need to be seen any different.

From now, he's just Alex.
The boy who likes Fall Out Boy.

:)

I'm tired of the whole ''douchebag'' name calling people say to me. Its really unnecessary. I know i can be a jerk, but who cant be? I'm tired of being insulted

Im working on getting my drivers liscense soon, i need it to do anything. Im tired of waiting for things from people who already have them. It's my turn now.

Its been a while good friend, I havent had much time to write out my days. I can summarize them with 1 word: ridiculous. Between school & sickness, ridiculous.

The Law is supposed to help protect us, what happens when it harms us?
Who is going to protect us from the Law?

I really dislike my life. Almost to the extent of hate but I don't
feel motivated enough to even say "hate". I'm tired of being around a
military stepdad all the time who really has nothing better to do but
to rag and nag on the littlest things that I haven't met my goals
with. I'm depressed, the only good thing that I can say I enjoy is my
grandparents, my girlfriend, some of my friends, Dad (actual dad), and
the people on my moms side and dads side who haven't done anything to
contribute to my depression. I'm frustrated.. I don't have a car, a
liscense or a permit. I haven't even started my driving classes. I am
doing horrible in some of my classes. I feel like a wreck. Correction,
I AM a wreck. If I could just run away with me and my significant
other, I would. I would book it. I can't take this shit anymore.

Im so sick of it all, life all around sucks. The only thing im happy with right now is my girlfriend and my grandparents, & Other relatives.

Im so sick of it all, life all around sucks. The only thing im happy with right now is my girlfriend and my grandparents, & Other relatives.

One thing i really appreciate is loyalty. I can never see myself being a cheater in a relationship. If i ever did, idk what id do to myself...

Thoughts of the Perfection.

Perfection.  Such a fictitious word.  And such a controversial idea.
Some of us in this world believe in such a "Utopia" as it is known as.  For you must understand.
Perfection is in the same equivalence as Extinction. These are both polar opposites.  Some of us wish for "world peace", but the possibility of that occurring is very low.  Why? Because humanity was not born with the ignorant bliss that we call "perfection".  Or at least, the "perfection" that is given in the dictionary.

World Peace is unachievable to the human race.  Life in it's self wouldn't allow for the change.  Because we have different opinions of our world and what one civilization should do and believe in as well as the next.  It is natural for humanity to believe that what they "know" is "right", and it is also natural to deny anything disagreeable or "wrong".  We as a whole want to be correct in what we do, but we are not immortal.  Not even machines are perfect, because they are HUMAN made.  Therefore, making the machine nothing other than "mortal".  

How does this tie in with World Peace?  Because, we all disagree.  If we were perfect, everything we would do or strive for would have been fulfilled and finished.  We would have no reason to think other than the next person, we would have no conflict, no feeling, no emotions, no change in expressions, no thought, nothing would separate us from each other. We would look all alike, and that being said, we would be nothing but a shell.  We would all look like the same thing.  That is "perfection".  That is lack of individuality, lack of thought, lack of feeling, lack of want, desire, need, opinion, everything.  

Perfection means "lack of humanity". And that is why we cannot have a peaceful world.
Because, humans aren't made peaceful.  We are the creators, we are the destroyers.