Entry Doesn't Match.

I feel lonely.  Lonely physically and somewhat emotionally.  It has nothing to do with my break up or anything to do with romantic relationship.  I am lonely because I feel simply alone.  I'm just so far away from everything.  All my friend's have things to do and things that they are doing with their life.  I feel like I'm alone in this, like I'm just so far away from being able to actually enjoy life.  It feels like I'm just existing.  I'm so bored with life at the moment.  There's nothing to actually do.  I thought about looking into plane flights to other cities where I have friends who would let me stay with them for a week or so, but all of the tickets were pretty far out of reach price-wise.  I would take any flight right now to almost any city just to get out of here.

Word of mouth.

Sometimes I wish I could retrace my steps back to the depths of a good memoir,
when the good wishes weren't washed off with the dishes of all the garbage that
got thrown away, blown away, and im stuck still caged with the rage of that of an animal,
like a cannibal for misery it feeds me wealthy, and little did I know that it was unhealthy,
all the effects were stealthy, behind my back were the attacks and all i felt at the time was
bliss.  It was ignorance that slain the great warrior and blinded by love in which slain the order,
but the biggest was a head on, for the headstrong, eventhough he had his head wrong, tipped it in and out,
like donations from the devout, and the believers, but im not a sinner, I'm a seer.

COPYRIGHT OF ALEXANDER POULOS 

My mind is racing, and its just going everywhere. Im crying on the inside, i just want everything to stop..I want my mind to stop....

"I'm having another episode.."

"I just need a stronger dose."

He sits and he waits for another single message to drop in his lap, like letters from above minus the religion, add more raindrop on heads and out of luck kids.  Stuck in my own little downward spiral, like a cracked bottle dripping its tunes away...  I'm a mess in every way.  I feel like throwing (up) my pills just to take them again, so I can just let myself feel a moment where I dont need another worry.  I dont know how poetic I need to be, I'm just a mess times it by 3.

A Clockwork Orange..

"When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell
Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell
It don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies
God will probably have me on some real strict shit,
No sleepin' all day, getting shit fit, Hangin' with the goodie-goodies loungin' in paradise
Fuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice
All my life I been considered as the worst, Listening to my stepfather sit and curse,
Time after time, makin' my mother feel bad, like shit ain't worth living the life she wish she had, life aint what it was when I was younger, Having a happy home, and food to stop my hunger, wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes? Forgive me for my shock, but im ready to die, I swear to God I just want to slit my wrists and end this bullshit Throw the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shit, And squeeze, until the bed's, completely red I'm glad I'm dead, a worthless fuckin' buddah head. The stress is buildin' up, I can't, I can't believe suicide's on my fuckin' mind I want to leave, I swear to God I feel like death is fuckin' callin' me
Naw you wouldn't understand.  Listening to a old fucking man, boss my momma around like he's the head honcho, like in his early 30's doing a rampart combo, I swear sometimes I lose my mind all the thoughts build and the stress begins to climb, a stupid ass stepdad-so much for a father, the only reason I'm around is for my brother, my mother, and my friends and family. I need a place to set my brain, without making any ends.

Dear Journal, Mark it 12.15.09

Dear Journal,

It's been a long time since I've actually decided to write something worth reading
for more than twenty seconds.  I think it's probably because, I haven't had the feeling
to write in you as avidly as I used to.  Lately I've been drowning myself in a combination of
Tupac & The Beatles.  I know, weird combo, but it's been working.  One takes me someplace outside
of my own mind, and into a trance, the other brings me back to reality.  I've been listening to other artists
as well, but I've been desperately trying to find some older 1500-1600s style orchestration from Italy, similar to Vivaldi.  Other than that, I've been trying to hold my head under the water of these music notes and lyrics to leave me without air so I can get rid of the things that bring me discomfort. 
                    I've been on a sort of "I'm just existing" sort of feeling.  Ever since my girl left for California, I've been feeling lonely.  I've had nightmares recently.  I always have nightmares about things going wrong with my relationship when I'm enjoying it so much... It's really hard sometimes to tell if they're real or not when they are happening, but then I wake up and my heart slows back down. I start to feel slightly better.

I'm depressed...

Thug Nature.

"why cry? Tell em' that it's my thug nature, why cry? when I do it that way?"


I've been depressed ever since my girl has been gone.  I've had nightmares of ex-girlfriends, as funny as it sounds, it's not.  Sometimes, as much as I dislike my exs I am curious how they are sometimes, how they are doing and how life is for them. Am I weird for that? does that make me a bad boyfriend to my current girl for being curious about how my exs maybe doing?

Fuck my life.

Strawberry Fields

"Strawberry Fields......
Nothing is real......
Nothing to get hung about,
Strawberry Fields forever"

There's a time where a person loses themselves. In a way I'm confused
about my life in some way. I have a recording stammering in my head,
also known as a broken record. I've been having weird dreams.
Nightmares. And yet they throw my whole day off... What's wrong with
me? "Nothing is real"....

Come with me, Hail Mary, run quick see, what do we have here?

Lord forgive me for my sins, i know its last minute.

"I won't cut my beard and I won't change my hair,
it grows like fancy flowers, but it grows nowhere,
my hair, my hair..
If I could build my house just like the Trojan horse,
I'd put a statue of myself upon the shelf, of course,
of course, of course."

Communication is a lighted path way in the fog, without it, how does one expect to exit the isles of abyss?

I'm always worried about screwing things up or things going wrong. I
think I am seeing that she was right, we need to take things slower. :)

Windowpanes.

Lately, I've been in deep thought.  I don't know but it seems like everyday I'm having these
in depth thoughts.  I feel in a way...lost.  The sad part is, I don't know what I'm searching for.
I've got this small bolt loose in the mechanics of my head.  I know it's there somewhere, but I can't find it.
and the last thing I need is any magnets invading my brain to search for it.  I feel out of place sometimes. 
Like a loneliness when I'm surrounded by people I love & people who love me.  I love my girlfriend, and I'm happy that shes in my life.  I think what really gets me down is that I only have one life.  One life to try and
help people, to try and bring people together, and to learn from others.  Its a bit of a burden sometimes... knowing that you only have one life to be able to live and teach before your day comes along and you pass away, into the pages of Life's chronicles.

I wonder how many people I can help and teach before I pass away.
I just want to be someone people can say made an influence on them, a good influence.

Sometimes I get worried about me and my girlfriend... I feel scared
sometimes.. Scared of things going wrong.. Idk.. I'm scared...idk
why.. Life scares me..

"and I smile as I respire"

"It's not fair, just let me perfect it
Don't want to live a life that was comprehensive,"

 I grow to love the lyrics and the melody more and more everyday.  It's like a re-birth without the "birth".  It's like a retox without the "tox" but more of a "new".  I'm new in a lot of ways, and I'm also the same in others, change in a good way not bad.  I'm feeling more and more like I'm growing mentally, musically, and emotionally.  It's different when things really kick into gear for you and you don't expect to grow as fast..but trust me, it happens fast.  And I sit here and reminisce on the earlier me(s) and I have to say, I like the most updated version much more than the previous one.  There were a lot of bug fixes as you can say...

 

 

"Oh, their faces are dancing, they're dancing"

"I just want to be better than, your head's only medicine.
A downward spiral, just a pirouette.
Getting worse until there's nothing left
What good comes of something, when I'm just the ghost of 
nothing?"

Sometimes I don't know what to do when I want to make people happy, and I just cant.
Im so scared of so many things going wrong, and its hard because I dont know where to go sometimes...
I dont know how to cry, because I dont have tears... 
I dont know how to be vent it any other way than just writing it all out...
Sometimes its the only way I can stay sane...

"a composer but never composed, singing the symphonies of the overdosed... a composer but never composed..."

I just want to be better than what I am...

"I'm Sleeping In A Submarine"

I feel like a stranger in a town so far away from where I'm used to being.
Like a winter storm to the face, numb in all the wrong spots, minus a few 
special beats.  There there child, put the book down and feel safe,
this isn't a time of war, this is a war of time.  We're washing away, like the 
messages in net bottles traveling across the sea.  All hands on deck,
all hands on deck, lets make a smooth escape.

I am in study of my head. Like clinking tin professors and rusty pages
in wholesome books, for the reader of the devout, but not religious.

I just had a bit of an OCD attack. mom made me wipe the cats paws off with a wet wash cloth, bcus he had bleach on them. I spent alteast 10 minutes scrubbing my hands and trying to feel like I cld actually touch something w/o still having anything on them. Between that and me currently being in a psychadelic/ over relaxed state of mind from my music, it made it worse.

Whe ppl say "how much is that doggie in the window?" they don't take
in account tht it will run you thousands in new carpet + poop.

My girlfriend called me ''grandpa'' last night when i said ''goodnight babe'' either im missing a joke or someone was drinking.lmfao

I have officially decided to celebrate GENTLEMEN holiday as Anon does. Lol its an epic holiday

I change my mind, after I read the lyrics to FOB's "From Now On We Are Enemies" I actually like it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, in Soviet Russia, Poem write you.

When the Sun Goes Down.

I'm honestly in the state where I'd rather starve myself than go downstairs and be around that man who calls himself my stepfather, literally, I am starving right now.  I'm fed the fuck up with being around him, I'm tired of them both sleeping downstairs, this is why I don't want want to be at home.  I can't feel like I can walk my own house.  I'm tired of being here, and I have no way out of my house right now.  I'm so done.

People say they don't understand the hype behind having a Black
president, but honestly, it is a perfect example of the change through
the generations of how we look at one another. We have progressed, we
have evolved, we have rose up against the differences but acknowledged
them at the same time. For years our presidents have been Caucasian,
and with having an African American president, it has truly
demonstrated that we, for the most part, have opened our eyes to see
that there is no such thing as a negative difference, but that there
is a greater understanding that we may be different, but we are all
humans, most of all, we are all people.

Saying your girlfriend's best friend is kinda slutty isnt a good thing. Even if its 'kinda'.

Sugarcane In Easy Morning...

"Hey Moon, please forget to fall down."

I've been depressed all day today. I feel miserable, like a doll
without a good stitching. I've felt just like mopeing around and
sulking my way into the sheets of my bed. Just to stomach the feeling.

"I missed your skin when you went East."

I'm just tired of being away from you. I can't bring myself to feel an
ambien with the (bi)cycle of atleast 1 week near you.

I miss you..

Im still getting Alex The Fall Out Boy tatted. :)

Letter to myself

Letter To Myself.

Dear Alex,

I know that you are suffering through these episodes of your
obsessions where you feel as if you are unsure of something. But in
all honesty, you dot need to feel that way about the music. People
listen to all sorts of different artists and they have multiple
favorite. Even if you grow to like some other band more than Fall Out
Boy, they will always be great. They will always have made an impact
on your life and they will always be in your heart. No matter if you
don't want them to be, they will always be.

Sincerely,

You.

My plans for tomarrow got cancelled. Another long week. Another Friday. Another Lorezapam endused sleep, cause I can't do it on my own.

Plans for tomarrow kind of went South of what I was hoping for, but things happen that can make situations easier or harder. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I understand. I had to cancel a few times. It's been about a total of 3-4 weeks since I've been able to hang out really. Bummer. Another long week. Another long weekend. More school in between.

Its a good thing i dont smoke, bcus i swear between energy drinks, i almost am running myself broke, imagine what cigarettes would run me.

My FOBsession isnt back & wont come back. I think being obsessed was
unhealthy for me. Theyre a band & Im a fan, I dont need 2 b obsessed 2
b a fan. Does that make sense?

"You've Changed Things..."

"you've changed things... there's no going back..."


I often question my own sanity.  Recently, I've taken a toll on my own mind.  I've finally just felt like I needed to take down my title; everything that people saw me as... and decided I needed a change, but with this turn... I can't say that it helped everything.  My emotions are running ragged and distant from what I used to have.  I am happier in some ways and in others, I'm flat out depressed.  When you make something so high in your mind then, just the next day, strip it down to 3 lower levels; its almost like taking the wrecking-ball to a brand new home because you wanted to take out one story of it.  It just seems that about everything that has been branded me, not in the way you brand a piece of art; leaving your mark of success & passion that you needed to make it, no, this is the brand that you see on skin.  Like a hot coal burning the flesh as you push it further in.  That's the type of brand.  And I face you now, emotionless, gridlocked and to be echt; buried in the slough of despondence.

I feel for some reason shes mad at me or tired of me....:C

A trip down a broken memory lane.  Where from here there is no turning back.

Slick trails

_¥.

Fast>>Forward>>

Shift gears with a hand on the steering wheel while the other is busy holding that open chest,
and a few more drops of Codeine like a melancholy prescription paste just to rinse and reset.  I only want my own bedroom tonight.

"Stop there and let me correct it, I wanna live a life from a new perspective"

Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up on getting out of here


I've come to realize tonight that you know, I don't need to have a title of such weight on my back.  I don't need to be Alex The Fall Out Boy to prove that I am a diehard fan of Fall Out Boy; I don't need to be crazy obsessed with them to love them, and I don't need to have excessive amounts of posters.  I can just like them for what they've given me and always respect them for who they are and what they've done for me. 

So tonight is a big step for me... I feel somewhat disappointed that I'm throwing my title off my shoulders, but I don't need to be seen any different.

From now, he's just Alex.
The boy who likes Fall Out Boy.

:)

I'm tired of the whole ''douchebag'' name calling people say to me. Its really unnecessary. I know i can be a jerk, but who cant be? I'm tired of being insulted

Im working on getting my drivers liscense soon, i need it to do anything. Im tired of waiting for things from people who already have them. It's my turn now.

Its been a while good friend, I havent had much time to write out my days. I can summarize them with 1 word: ridiculous. Between school & sickness, ridiculous.

The Law is supposed to help protect us, what happens when it harms us?
Who is going to protect us from the Law?

I really dislike my life. Almost to the extent of hate but I don't
feel motivated enough to even say "hate". I'm tired of being around a
military stepdad all the time who really has nothing better to do but
to rag and nag on the littlest things that I haven't met my goals
with. I'm depressed, the only good thing that I can say I enjoy is my
grandparents, my girlfriend, some of my friends, Dad (actual dad), and
the people on my moms side and dads side who haven't done anything to
contribute to my depression. I'm frustrated.. I don't have a car, a
liscense or a permit. I haven't even started my driving classes. I am
doing horrible in some of my classes. I feel like a wreck. Correction,
I AM a wreck. If I could just run away with me and my significant
other, I would. I would book it. I can't take this shit anymore.

Im so sick of it all, life all around sucks. The only thing im happy with right now is my girlfriend and my grandparents, & Other relatives.

Im so sick of it all, life all around sucks. The only thing im happy with right now is my girlfriend and my grandparents, & Other relatives.

One thing i really appreciate is loyalty. I can never see myself being a cheater in a relationship. If i ever did, idk what id do to myself...

Thoughts of the Perfection.

Perfection.  Such a fictitious word.  And such a controversial idea.
Some of us in this world believe in such a "Utopia" as it is known as.  For you must understand.
Perfection is in the same equivalence as Extinction. These are both polar opposites.  Some of us wish for "world peace", but the possibility of that occurring is very low.  Why? Because humanity was not born with the ignorant bliss that we call "perfection".  Or at least, the "perfection" that is given in the dictionary.

World Peace is unachievable to the human race.  Life in it's self wouldn't allow for the change.  Because we have different opinions of our world and what one civilization should do and believe in as well as the next.  It is natural for humanity to believe that what they "know" is "right", and it is also natural to deny anything disagreeable or "wrong".  We as a whole want to be correct in what we do, but we are not immortal.  Not even machines are perfect, because they are HUMAN made.  Therefore, making the machine nothing other than "mortal".  

How does this tie in with World Peace?  Because, we all disagree.  If we were perfect, everything we would do or strive for would have been fulfilled and finished.  We would have no reason to think other than the next person, we would have no conflict, no feeling, no emotions, no change in expressions, no thought, nothing would separate us from each other. We would look all alike, and that being said, we would be nothing but a shell.  We would all look like the same thing.  That is "perfection".  That is lack of individuality, lack of thought, lack of feeling, lack of want, desire, need, opinion, everything.  

Perfection means "lack of humanity". And that is why we cannot have a peaceful world.
Because, humans aren't made peaceful.  We are the creators, we are the destroyers.   

You can be a Zombie Too.

"You can be a Zombie Too."

I seriously have been wondering lately if the idea behind "the zombie" was inspired by people when they get colds.  I mean think about it, your tastebuds go wacko, your thinking becomes fuzzy (its just a struggle to even type this), you become moody and irrational, you can't walk right, you feel dizzy and confused, and most of all you feel weak.  Your hearing gets intensified and your alertness goes to 0 - all the qualities of being a friggin zombie.  So in all seriousness, do you think thats where the idea behind "the zombie" came from?  People when they're sick?

(note to self: im probably going to re-read this when I'm better and I dont feel like a walking corpse and I'm going to think im probably batshit crazy)...

I apologize to anyone reading this who thinks I'm just flat out insane, I would glad to agree when I get better haha.  

List of ridiculous ways to die

List of ridiculous ways to die
by: Alex Poulos

1. Blender to the face
2. Flying Tire to (any part of the body)
3. Running into a lightpost (on foot)
4. Climbing a fence
5. In a voting booth
6. Overdose of Gummy Bears (or any gummi)
7. Boot to the head
8. Flying Trashcan
9. Towel Snap
10. Death from Seatbelt
11. Death from airbag
12. Death from fast closet door
13. Death from elevator door
14. Eating a sock monkey
15. Eating any kind of fabric
16. Coka-Cola poisoning
17. Laughing
18. Guitar Case
19. Television falling over
20. Airborne radio
21. So happens you cross a bomb shell dud.
22. Book to the face
23. Speaker mis-wiring
24. A wall outlet
25. Sneezing and burping at the same time
26. Camera flash to heart attack
27. strangled by iPod charger
28. Golf Cart
29. Trampled on Black Friday (I am sorry that it actually happened)
30. Death from electrocution of Toaster
31. Stare down with Sarah Palin
32. Stealing Lucky Charms from a grocery store
33. Hit with a car driven by a midget or dwarf.
34. Attempting to get your shoes from an electric wire on a rainy day
35. Ladder down a Manhole
36. Sliding off of a roof
37. Misfiring of an arrow

anyone wanna pitch in?

"Within the sound of silence."

 "In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence." - Simon & Garfunkel "Sound of Silence"

I've got so much that I could say but I don't really know how to say it.
I'm trying to think of what I could be telling you with all this space for text, but nothing really comes to my mind. 
My school work is doing moderate.  I could be doing much better, but then I could also be doing much worse.  So either way, I'm trying to accomplish one and prevent another.
I've been wondering about all my buddies who went to boot camp around the beginning of Summer.  Some of the people who went were really dear to my heart friends.  Sure we had our fights, and I lost some trust in them, but honestly, I'm worried about them...
I want to know how they're doing.

I have no clue why but all I have ringing in my head are the lyrics that I remember of that song "Sound Of Silence" by Simon & Garfunkel.  "Hello Darkness my old friend.  I've come to talk to you again..."
It's almost eerie.  Something that gives me a feeling of chill.
I don't understand how it fits but it does. 

D.O.S. - Death Of Stress

Death Of Stress


I'm through with stupid Internet drama.  If you really want to know, with my hair and a few insults I feel like I've been detoxed and retouched.  So for the record, if you want to throw some stupid shit at me, go ahead, I'm probably going to just take it and break it like a weak broomstick.  I'm Alex The Fall Out Boy, you can't strip me of my title/identity. 

"This is Death Of Autotune-Moment of silence"
"la da da da, he-ey-ey, goodbye..."

Gah. Sundays are like the new Mondays, except one has a reputation for being more liked than the other.

Its been a while since I've spoken to you, don't worry, we are still on good terms, I've been too busy trying to keep up with life as it comes.

Welcome To The New Déjà vu

"Reduplicative paramnesia:
the delusional belief that a place or location has been duplicated, existing in two or more places simultaneously, or that it has been 'relocated' to another site. It is one of the delusional misidentification syndromes and, although rare, is most commonly associated with acquired brain injury, particularly simultaneous damage to the right cerebral hemisphere and to both frontal lobes."

"If I woke up next to you."

"let the bad habits you couldn't bare to keep, out of the woods but I love,
a tree I used to lay beneath kissed teeth stained red, from a sour bottle baby girl with eyes the size of baby worlds."

I love every fault that I have; every single stain in the wood; every single wrong brush in the metal.  It makes me "me".  I wish that sometimes I could follow this.  But sometimes my mind gets so foggy with worrying about stupid things, and things that haven't even happened yet.  Part of it is controllable, another part is really hard for me to control.  I need a spot where I can sit and count the stars and feel close to the moon, I don't need a sunshine to keep my spirits high; I need is to sit still and tell myself I'm going to be okay, like a little kid laying in his bed wanting all the monsters under it to go away.
I can picture myself hugging the moon goodnight like a moth does to a lightbulb, and feeling secure in my own skin.

--I'm glad I have you in my life.  Even the small smiley faces on digital screens you send to me makes me feel like I'm wanted.  

I mean i was hallucinating and everything after taking the 2 meds. I was tired then mixed w/ the meds i felt like i was hallucinating...

Am i the only one who has like weird thoughts when im tired/drowsy, sometimes i hear weird shit in my head. Sometimes I get afraid that I'm going insane... :C

You know what? I actually do like Panic! At The Disco's ''New Perspective'' its actually pretty good.

"I'll be stuck fixated on one star, when the world is crashing down."

It's really hard sometimes having friends who are girls, like sometimes how girls don't like having friends who are guys, because I hate getting text messages with the phrase "hey babe" from girls who are only friends.  I don't cheat, I haven't ever cheated, I don't plan on it.  I am trying to stray away from being anything near the average guy.  I want to be seen as an individual, not as "just a guy", because I'm not some jerk who is going to screw someone over.  There has been times where I've been like "just a guy" but I'm not the type to do it frequently.  Not at all...

Theres nothing more scarier than sitting in a dark parking lot and assuming that the lady next to me is a crack head.

Have you ever seen someone ride their bike and smoke a cigarette? Me neither. Boy wldnt i like to know how that works out.

It's always when I feel something for someone that I have a hard time
feeling happy for myself. I always worry about me being like all the
other guys out there and being interested for the wrong reasons. Sure,
it's happened, but I try to stray from being just another prick of a
guy... Sometimes, I even get scared of becoming like that... I get
worried, to the point of me feeling sick to my stomach. I just want to
be a good guy, not some scum who looks for the reasons to get into
pants and sheets.

I know love grows, and I know that things develop over time, which is
what I have to tell myself. After all, no one liked Davinci's work
until he died. Love grows for something or someone over the time it is
given. No matter the beginning feelings.

"Things Never Are As Bad As They Seem"

"dream, when you're feeling blue.  Dream, that's the thing to do.  Dream while the smoke rings rise in the air, you'll find your share of memories there, so, dream, when the day is through.  Dream, and they might come true."

I will always sit back and watch the tides flow in, and out.  Like a serene sunset off the coast of some unnamed island, sitting there, listening to every crashing wave, and the sound they make as they go back out.  I love every bit of this.  I can dream for hours on end, thinking, how nice it would be, to be sitting there, with a 50's classic minuet or a song singing in harmony, with my eyes to the water, and there being hundreds and hundreds of letters in bottles.  And every single bottle; every single letter, being a letter from all the people who love me, with my response on them watching them float back to the other side of the sea, knowing they will be seen and everyone will know that I am in good health and I am in good mindset.

I wish that the island would be something so beautiful, that it would be mid-day all day.  Something so fictitious, but something so desired.  Oh how I wish that I could be there for a minute, maybe 7.  I want to climb into my chair and sit back and watch all the letters float back, then suddenly, everyone appears right before my eyes.  Standing beside me.  Holding me tightly, as a photographer flashes the camera. 

I wish for these moments.. ever so much..

"They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers, In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers"

"They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers"

I can't think straight like I used to.  My mind is a jumble, like a deck of cards after a perfectly horrid shuffle.  Call me on all my bluffs, this is a poker face I can't keep straight.  But in the next left the doorway has only a knob like steel tacks with imprints of my used to be face.
The school work is piling high, I often wonder how Health Teachers come about spamming their work onto my doorstep.  I seriously think they have their assignments on a clothes-pin trigger, that goes off at the slip of a nail or a fingertip.

I wonder how I survive.
an 18 year old on the second phase to being nowhere.
Let's throw in a round of applause.

I hate having parents that care. Sometimes i wish they'd only care about my needs, not what im doing and not doing. It would make things easier all around.

"The world is yours, so play the role."

The days never seem to be long enough when they should be, and never short enough when you need them to be.  If I was Atlas I'd slow the world down a tad so I could enjoy my days.  Like a record when you slide your finger across the side of the wheel making the record shutter and pause.

They say that Time is a perception, which is more believable than the hands on the Grandfather clock in everyone's dining room.  Like a lose bolt or a screw; I'm unwound at the idea of a paradise without a limit.

But then again, who isn't...?

There's a glow in my eyes, but more a black light than a flashlight, I may not be able to light up the dark the way the average could but I see every move and beat your heart makes.
I think that's good enough.

Ive come to see that I apologize too much about small things, But if the world were full of small things how could we tell what was worth apologizing for?

If i ever do onto someone i care about, something bad, i cant forgive myself as easy as some can say ''its alright'' it just doesnt seem to happen that way.

These memories we make, they are us. Like hourglasses with liquid
crystals inside, they are once in a lifetime. I wouldn't sell a single
one. Not even the ones of Fool's Gold. I make them for all to enjoy,
to learn, to feel.

My dear.
And may you share this crystal with me.
For I will be here to give you my memories like ships in a bay.

Where The Wild Things Are.

I had a great night.  I went and had the nostalgia of a lifetime, with a few twists of plot, over the movie Where The Wild Things Are.  It's not a kid's movie, it's a movie about kids.  Christina and I went to see it at  the mall, great theater, and a great time.  There was practically no one in the theater, or atleast not when we saw it.  But there was a section we originally sat in that was reserved for a massive amount of a family/kids. 
I had no idea that you could reserve movie seats (rows) until this day.
Totally changed my view of how the name of the game is "first come, first serve".

A is in Angst not Amazing

I hate being an 18 year old and still being restricted by all the
parental powers the world has. Sure I'm glad that i'm not a fucking
church boy, but I'm not a happy person with my family. I feel like my
Grandma has it the most right. She seems to pay me the most attention,
as well as my grandpa.

I love my mom but at the same time, we never have a good
understanding. I need to give my grandma more credit for the times
she's put up with me on numerous occasions. Ive thought to my self how
it would feel to be living with my grandparents for a while. They
provide for me alot. I don't like asking for things...I feel
guilty...like a thief who got caught and the victim finding out it was
the neighbor.

The Axis Of The Wheel Of Life

What is this world without hate?
What is this world without love?

The two polar opposites so where does that leave the world without its balance?
Madness my friend.  Madness.

Bedknobs to Brackets.

Today I got my blockers on my back molars taken off, i like the feeling of not having something on my back teeth anymore, but now it feels like i cant even close my jaw all the way, because the front teeth clash with the brackets on the front.  I would try harder but I'm a little too chicken to want to chip my teeth.  Sometimes I wonder if these guys know what their doing, actually, it tends to feel like I'm just a test subject in their little experiment of trying to "fix" my teeth. 

If I wasn't sane still and had a little more marbles lost, I might have tried to peel the brackets off myself.  What I don't understand is why would they take something off if it was the only way to keep my teeth safe from the braces?  Maybe I should've considered Invisalign more.  Sure they take longer to fix, but at the same time, look what type of pain im in with these metal monsters/mines on my teeth.  I don't like feeling like my mouth is a road and each tooth is a blockade trying to stop you from going further without showing I.D.

Just how I want to feel before going to the movie on Friday...
Like I can't close my mouth.
Thanks Dr. __________
really make this easy on me.

By the way, it rains more here than an abandoned cloud does when it's lonely. Go figure.

These school days depress me, i think part of it is because im away from my own room, My own space. I dont mind leaving-its the extended period of presence.

Take 2 then sleep.

I've seen this happen too many times where I could just cry all the way through the night.  I don't have any place to go sometimes, and hiding from myself is lying to myself.

In the end, there isn't a whole lot I can really count on.

Think about it like Alice In Wonderland.  Even though the Cheshire was helpful, she never could trust him to do the right thing(s). 

Somewhere I can see that these 'Eat Me"s are only taking away the pain until I wake up the next morning.  Some even get addicted but I'm not that close to my prescription bottles to trust them with my life.  It's only once in a while that I need an a(tivan)mbience to take away my troubles.

This is where the new story begins and the old one ends.  From now on you will be picking up the pieces from where I am writing now, instead of dragging them along

Who knows. Maybe something good will come of this in the end.  Maybe there's really no senselessness to it.
We'll just see how things work out.


For now. I would like to use this to recollect my mind and my energy.